For those new to the world of BDSM, beyond anything that Fifty Shades of Grey might have taught you, odds are you may have had to look up exactly what the acronym stands for. Odds are also pretty good that you likely came across your fair share of eye-opening images and videos in the process. The good thing about BDSM is that there are a variety of ways you can approach it. So, if you do happen to be a newbie, don’t worry, you can always start slow and work your way up to more intense and involved role play. Half the fun is in practicing after all!

In this guide, we look at some beginner tips and tricks for those who wish to explore their wilder side, those who have ever wondered what exactly Rhianna meant when she sang: sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me, and those keen on intensifying their sexual pleasure by way of a little bondage now and again.

BDSM: A Definition

As this is a guide for those who might be new to this wild and adventurous sexual world, we should probably start by defining the concept. BDSM is actually an umbrella term that covers a wide array of sexual activities and role playing scenarios largely based off of the idea that in certain circumstances and under the right conditions sex, power, pain and pleasure can equate to an erotic experience like no other—think the best orgasm you’ve ever had on steroids.

BD: Bondage and Discipline. So from handcuffs to scarves and ties, pick your pleasure. That of course is the bondage component. Discipline refers mainly to the roles enacted; here is where the terms submissive and dominant come into play. 

SM: The “S” signifies sadism, and the “M” is masochism; the two terms often combine into sadomasochism. Basically, this involves pain (and in some instances humiliation) leading to sexual pleasure for both the sub and dominant. Certain forms of torture can also be a part of the sadomasochistic aspect of the experience.

It’s All About Communication and Trust

If you are eager to dive right into the realm of BDSM, one thing you need to know before doing anything is that communication is a central part of the experience. Prior to tying your partner up and introducing a flogger for example, you want to spend a fair amount of time reviewing the “rules.” In other words, that with which you are both going to be comfortable moving forward.  This may involve establishing a safe word. Your safe words are simply what you say when the situation goes beyond what is tolerable for one or both of you. You want to discuss hard limits as well as any other relevant boundaries. Unlike traditional sexual encounters, BDSM does involve a bit more risk—that’s the fun part after all. But if you let it get out of control, the experience might be other than what you’d hoped.

You also want to discuss your fantasies and expectations. Here is where you may need to let your inhibitions go as you openly talk about what you dream about your partner doing to you and of course, what you long to do to them. This is sexual role playing we’re dealing with here; in some ways it doesn’t get any more intimate, so don’t hesitate to reveal your innermost desires and fantasies. This initial discussion in and of itself can be quite sensual and fulfilling. 

Getting Started with BDSM

Now that you’ve both agreed to terms and guidelines, and once you know you can trust the person with whom you will partner on this erotic journey, then what? Do you show up one night in a dominatrix outfit complete with skintight latex and a studded collar…Probably not for your first time. Again, there is nothing at all wrong with wading slowly into the pool of Mistress-ing and/or Master-ing. As a newcomer to BDSM, you want to begin with the basics.

1. First off, get into the right frame of mind. In other words, you want to ensure you’re both in the mood. Following a grueling day of work, perhaps not the best time. Have a couple of glasses of wine, relax, and let yourself decompress. Then take things to the bedroom. Certainly, no room is off limits, but for your first few experiences, the bedroom makes for an easier start.
   
   
2. Keep it simple. Yes, you can go crazy and purchase a trunk full of sex toys, but if you are just starting out on this BDSM journey, you may want to begin with some of the more manageable toys and accessories. Blindfolds are great. There’s nothing quite as sexy as not knowing what you’re going to feel or experience next. And by the same token, watching as your partner gets off when you tease and titillate them while they are blindfolded can be a delicious turn on. Handcuffs are also good for starters. And don’t be afraid to use your imagination when fantasizing about the many ways in which those handcuffs can help create a truly mind-blowing experience.
   
   
3. Choose a scene/scenario and determine who is going to play what role. While you still want to keep it simple in the beginning, role playing is a hallmark of BDSM and can lead to a great deal of pleasure. Establish who will be the dominant character and who will play the submissive in your scene. You can even imagine an exotic location, time of day, backstory…the more details the better. It probably goes without saying that most people reading this have seen a porn scene or two—integrate that if you so choose. The key to achieving ecstasy is again being open and honest about what exactly you both want and how subsequently, you both want to be wanted. 
   
   
4. Be sure to check in. If you’ve never before had a BDSM experience, do keep in mind that it can bring up emotions and sensations that are far more intense than your average night of sex. This is why it is so important to do an occasional check-in. That is to say, before anyone gets too overwhelmed, you might want to call a brief timeout to see how your partner is managing. Sometimes one or both of you might require a “breather.” And that is absolutely fine!
   
   

What a positive BDSM experience comes down to is navigating it at your own pace. You are there to enjoy one another in creative new ways. You are there to take sex to a level where the intensity of it all is like nothing you’ve ever known.